Jeremy Hotz

· Don’t stare at my nose. It’s not even a nose – it’s an elbow, stuck to my face. Christ, I’m an ugly man… I’ve noticed it, in the morning I wake up, look and the mirror, and think “Fuck…” What a miserable life this turned out to be… I’m getting old, I’m losing the hair on my head, and I’m getting hair right above my ass. What kind of trade is that? When am I gonna use that hair? I should become an TV repairman. You’ve seen those guys – what the hell is their problem?

· Before I came here, I lived in LA. What a miserable place that was! I lived in a place, called Tarzana. Tarzana… They stick an “a” in the end and think nobody’s gonna figure it out. It’s Tarzan, I live in a treehouse! There are the biggest snails I’ve ever seen. Oh, I hate snails – I don’t trust them. Always walking around with their house on their backs, going “Nothing can harm me, I’ve got my house. Oh, where’d that foot come from? The bastard broke my house! I have no insurance…”

· I bought a car, when I moved to L.A., haven’t seen the bus. Oh, they have the stops in LA, but the bus never comes by. I thought that LA is filled with homeless people, but its just people, waiting for the bus.

· Oh, my eye hurts… I have the contact lenses. What a miserable product that is! Put a glass in your eye – it won’t hurt. My ophthalmologist said it’s good for my eyes… he wares glasses, that prick. He said I have astigmatism – that’s when your eye goes screwy. He said I got it from looking in the lights during stand-up acts. Said he can fix it with laser surgery. I asked him what that was, and he said “I’m gonna shine this light in your eye!”

· I’ve got the color lenses – I’ve got the brown ones. Not a big seller, the brown lenses. My eyes are brown, but they’re not the brown I was looking for. Have you got a more shitty brown for me? It brings out my true personality.

· What about Canada? Any Canadians here? You? You like Canada, man? No? You’re right – what a miserable country! Not a very tough country, a? Has an army, they just didn’t give them… weapons or anything. Look at their flag – that’s not a symbol of power… it’s a leaf! Oh, don’t screw with Canada, ‘cause they’ll dry up and blow away. They should just attack another country. Man, nobody’s gonna see that coming. Canada – the country that’s been laying low for… 275 years. They should attack Turkey. “Hey, guess what – we’re taking it! And we’re calling it Chicken, you assholes!”

· I hate the dentist. What a weird twisted freak he is… You have to visit him twise a year, and you know why? ‘Cause he tells you to! That’s not in the book, the bastard is making that up. At the end of your visit, he’s like “See you in six months!” and you go “… Allrigh.” He puts you into that chair and shines a light in your eye… which is bad for my astigmatism. Such a sick bastard – he takes pictures of your teeth and shows them to you. Like you’re interested at all. “Do you see this?” “Yeah, nice shot, dentist… How did you get my teeth to pose like that?” Have you ever tried to take them from him? He won’t give ‘em to you. He’s all weird about it, too. “No, they’re mine!” Ok, keep them, you freak. Keep ‘em to look at them at nights, when you touch yourself…

· How about the nurse that cleans your teeth? What the hell is her problem? She jumps on your ass and says “Your teeth are filty!” Sorry, I didn’t mean to ruin your whole day like that. You can clean them and floss like ten times a day – its never good enough for her! Then she’s all “You see how your gums are bleeding?” Oh, yeah, I can see it. Maybe if you stop sticking those sharp metal things in them… At home, I don’t pick my teeth with stake knives!

· I hate the doctor. In Canada, the doctor is free. Here, you have to pay him. Just comes out with his white dress and his penciles of knowledge in the pocket. Gives me useless advises every time. “Hey doc, my leg hurts.” “Really? Keep off it.” Thanks for the hot tip, Quinci. If you wouldn’t have told me, I would’ve jumped on it for and hour. How much do I owe you, found-in-a-bowl knowledge?

· What a stupid thing the mail is. One day, I got promotional tampons. Yeah, imagine my surprise. I also got some women’s pads, called “Always”. Like they were gonna call ‘em “Some-of-the-times”. I tried them on – they’re not that comfortable! Now I’m using them as coffee filters. Yeah, you’re laughing, but the garbage man must be thinking I got a terrible disease…