Mitch Hedberg -
· Thank you for coming to my show. Do you know who I am? Why did a bunch of people, who don’t know who I am, came to my show?
· I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down, and that made me angry, because I like loud music, so when he knocked on the wall I’d mess with his head. I’d say: „Go around! I cannot open the wall. I don’t know if you have a doorknob on the other side, but over here there’s nothing. It’s just flat.“
· I like escalators because an escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You’ll never see an “Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order” sign, just “Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.”
· I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad, if she heard me say that.
· I want to be a race car passenger. Just a guy who bugs the driver. „Say, man, can I turn on the radio?“ „You should slow down.“ „Why we gotta keep going in circles?“ „Man, you really like Tide.“
· I was in a casino, I was standing by the door, and a security guard came over and said „You’re gonna have to move. You’re blocking the fire exit.“ As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. Unless you are a table.
· Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out flyers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it’s kinda like they’re saying „Here, you throw this away.“
· I hate turtleneck shirts. Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy. All day. Like, if you wear a turtleneck and a backpack, it’s like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
· When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it’s busy so they start a waiting list, they say, „Dufresne, party of two, table ready for Dufresne, party of two.“ And if no one answers they’ll say the name again: „Dufresne party of two.“ But then if no one answers, they’ll move on to the next name. „Bush, party of three.“ Yeah, but what happened to the Dufresnes!? No one seems to care! Who can eat at a time like this!? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufresnes are in someone’s trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they’re hungry. That’s a double whammy. We need help. „Bush, search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufresnes.“
· I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don’t need a receipt for a doughnut. I’ll give you the money, you give me the doughnut—end of transaction. We do not need to bring ink and paper into this. I just cannot imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend—“Don’t even act like I didn’t get that doughnut—I got the documentation right here! (pause) Oh wait, it’s back home in the file…under ‘D’…for doughnut.
· I like baked potatoes, man. I don’t have a microwave oven. It takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I’ll just throw one in there, even if I don’t want one. By the time it’s done, who knows.
· You know, that you can’t please all of the people all of the time. Last night, all those people were at my show.
· Alcohol is like a disease, but it’s the only disease, that you can get yelled at for having.
· I have a friend, that goes “Hey, do you know what I like? Mash potatoes.” I said “Dude, you gotta give me time to guess. If you’re gonna quiz me, you must put a pause in there.”
· In England, they don’t have Smokey the Bear. They have Smacky the Frog. That’s a better system, I think we should adopt that. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. I’ve never seen a frog hoping towards me and thought “Man, there’s a frog. I better play dead.” I never say “Here comes that frog” in a horrifying manner. It’s always optimistic. Like “Hey, here comes that frog. Alright. Maybe he’ll set near me. And I can pet him.”
· I wrote a script and gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he read it, and he said he really likes it, but thinks I need to rewrite it. I said “Fuck that, I’ll just make a copy.”
· You know when it comes to racism, people say: “ I don’t care if they’re black, white, purple or green“… Ooh hold on now: Purple or Green? You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! – Unless they’re suffocating – then help’em.
· I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,“Forget everything you know about slipcovers.“ So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn’t know what the hell they were.
· I was walking by a dry cleaner at three a.m., and it said „Sorry, we’re closed.“ You don’t have to be sorry. It’s three a.m., and you’re a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I’m not gonna walk by at ten and say, „Hey, I walked by at three, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!“
· I order the club sandwich all the time, but I’m not even a member, man. I don’t know how I get away with it.
· I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that’s funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen’s too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain’t funny.
· You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ‘em later.
· I ordered a chicken sandwich but I don’t think the waitress understood me because she said, „How would you like your eggs?“ So I tried to answer her anyhow. I said „Incubated, and then raised, and then beheaded, and then plucked and then cut up then put onto a grill then put onto a bun, shit it’s gonna take awhile. I don’t have time, scrambled!“
· My roommate said to me, ‘I’m gonna go shave and use the shower, does anyone need to use the bathroom?’ It’s like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.
· I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that’s real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two two. I would say „Sweet.“ And then people would say, „Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?“ I’d say, „Just press two for a while. And when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough.“
· I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, „I hear music“, as if there is any other way you can take it in. You’re not special, that’s how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work.
· My lucky number is four billion. That doesn’t come in real handy when you’re gambling. „Come on four billion! Fuck! Seven. Not even close. I need some more dice. Four billion divided by six, at least.“
· One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,“Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.“ Every picture is of you when you were younger. „Here’s a picture of me when I’m older.“ „You son of a bitch! How’d you pull that off? Lemme see that camera!“
· I play sports… no I don’t, what the fuck?
· I like the way this is situated here. It seems like you guys were chasing me, closing in, and then said „fuck It, lets sit down“.
· Philadelphia. That’s the only city that comes to mind right now. Philadelphia, ’cause you can say „Philly“ and the people from Philadelphia will not get mad. Like if you say „Frisco,“ San Francisco people say, „Fuck off!“ But if you say „Philly“ they say, „Alright!“ Because I don’t always have time to say „Philadelphia.“ Sometimes I just need that word to be two syllables. Phil-a-del-phi-a. Fuck, five! Your town would be called Philly too if it had five syllables!
