Jimmy Carr –
* I Better warn you that in my act there is a certain amount of bad language. I’m not talking split infinitives, there will be some swearing and there is material of a sexual nature. So if you are offended by rude or crude material, for heaven’s sake, don’t be a cunt about it.
* A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we won’t get much done."
* Boxers don’t have sex before a fight, do you know why that is? They don’t fancy each other.
* Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.
* Did you know you’re ten times more likely to get mugged in London than New York city? Thats because you don’t live in New York city.
* Has anyone else seen those incredibly powerful advertisements in cinemas where each time a famous person clicked their fingers, an African child dies? I watched those, and couldn’t help thinking, "well stop clicking your fingers!"
* I saw a homeless man on the bus the other day…How does he know where to get off?
* I did a gig in the US once for the homeless. I said "It’s nice to see so many bums on seats".
* I say no to gay marriage. It’ll end up leading to gay divorce, and that’ll be bitchy.
* I’d rather see a pregnant woman standing on the bus than a fat girl sitting down crying.
* I’ve got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that’s pretty cool. She doesn’t like it.
* I, of course, don’t have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.
* I broke up with a girl once because she lied about her weight. I say that, she died in a bungee jumping accident.
* I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says “Slow Children”. That can’t be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can’t read it.
* I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn’t eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, “You look fat.”
* I’m not worried about the Third World War. That’s the Third World’s Problem.
* If we are all God’s children, what’s so special about Jesus?
* I worry about my nan. If she’s alone and falls, does she make a noise? I’m joking… she’s dead.
* In the pursuit of scientific answers, animals have been tortured for the past 100 years. They’re still not talking. I’m starting to think they don’t know anything.
* I think bungee jumping is suicide for indecisive people.
* I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they’re not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"
* I hate those e-mails where they try to sell you penis enhancers. I got ten just the other day. Eight of them from my girlfriend. It’s the two from my mum that really hurt.
* I was raised as a Catholic. I hated going to church when I was young; Stand Up, Sit Down, Kneel. God, I wished the father would pick a position and just fuck me.
* I see I divided the room with that joke. There was people who laughed, and people who are going to Heaven.
* Jesus died for your sins. Cunts…
* My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."
* My dad’s dying wish was to have his family around him. I can’t help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
* My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called ‘Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking’. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian…
* My grandfather told me, "Your problem is that you think that your generation invented sex." I said, “Well, did you ever fuck grandma up her arse, pull out and cum on her tits?” Turns out that’s how she died.
* My girlfriend’s reading a book called "Women who love too much" which I think should have the title shortened, to "Sluts".
* My favourite road sign is ‘Falling Rocks’. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life’s a lottery, Be lucky."
* My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.
* No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea… you never get that tea.
* Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"
* Someone came up to me and complained about that joke last week. Quite a big bony girl. She said "I think you’re fatist." I said "No. I think you’re fattest."
* Swimming is good for you, especially if you’re drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but you also don’t die.
* Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that’s disappointed? Still no superheroes.
* The reason old men use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It’s that old women are so very ugly.
* That’s a little racist… but a lot funny.
* There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "Oh don’t worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, I have two questions. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it’s happening to more than one of us, don’t you think it could be YOUR fault?
* When I was a kid, I used to have an imaginary friend. I thought he went everywhere with me. I could talk to him and he could hear me, and he could grant me wishes and stuff too. But then I grew up, and stopped going to church.
* Watching sex on telly with your parents – that’s embarrassing. I didn’t even know they knew how to use the camcorder.
* When people say they hear voices in their heads, as opposed to where, exactly? Now hearing voices in your legs, that’s proper mental.
* When someone close to you dies, move seats.
* You know a girl’s too young for you when you have to make an aeroplane noise to get your cock in her mouth.
* 99% of the women kiss with their eyes closed. That is why they can never indentify rapists.
* Women reach their sexual peak after 35 years. Men reach theirs after about four minutes.
* My girlfriend used to get upset because I left the toilet seat up. So, I don’t do that anymore; I put it down. But there’s no winning with her. Now she gets annoyed because it’s covered in piss.
* You know this joke is funny only because it’s true.
