Comedy Central Gold III

Mitch Hedberg -

· Thank you for coming to my show. Do you know who I am? Why did a bunch of people, who don’t know who I am, came to my show?

· I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down, and that made me angry, because I like loud music, so when he knocked on the wall I’d mess with his head. I’d say: “Go around! I cannot open the wall. I don’t know if you have a doorknob on the other side, but over here there’s nothing. It’s just flat.”

· I like escalators because an escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You’ll never see an “Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order” sign, just “Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.”

· I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad, if she heard me say that.

· I want to be a race car passenger. Just a guy who bugs the driver. “Say, man, can I turn on the radio?” “You should slow down.” “Why we gotta keep going in circles?” “Man, you really like Tide.”

· I was in a casino, I was standing by the door, and a security guard came over and said “You’re gonna have to move. You’re blocking the fire exit.” As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. Unless you are a table.

· Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out flyers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it’s kinda like they’re saying “Here, you throw this away.”

· I hate turtleneck shirts. Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy. All day. Like, if you wear a turtleneck and a backpack, it’s like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

· When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it’s busy so they start a waiting list, they say, “Dufresne, party of two, table ready for Dufresne, party of two.” And if no one answers they’ll say the name again: “Dufresne party of two.” But then if no one answers, they’ll move on to the next name. “Bush, party of three.” Yeah, but what happened to the Dufresnes!? No one seems to care! Who can eat at a time like this!? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufresnes are in someone’s trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they’re hungry. That’s a double whammy. We need help. “Bush, search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufresnes.”

· I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don’t need a receipt for a doughnut. I’ll give you the money, you give me the doughnut—end of transaction. We do not need to bring ink and paper into this. I just cannot imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend—”Don’t even act like I didn’t get that doughnut—I got the documentation right here! (pause) Oh wait, it’s back home in the file…under ‘D’…for doughnut.

· I like baked potatoes, man. I don’t have a microwave oven. It takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I’ll just throw one in there, even if I don’t want one. By the time it’s done, who knows.

· You know, that you can’t please all of the people all of the time. Last night, all those people were at my show.

· Alcohol is like a disease, but it’s the only disease, that you can get yelled at for having.

· I have a friend, that goes “Hey, do you know what I like? Mash potatoes.” I said “Dude, you gotta give me time to guess. If you’re gonna quiz me, you must put a pause in there.”

· In England, they don’t have Smokey the Bear. They have Smacky the Frog. That’s a better system, I think we should adopt that. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. I’ve never seen a frog hoping towards me and thought “Man, there’s a frog. I better play dead.” I never say “Here comes that frog” in a horrifying manner. It’s always optimistic. Like “Hey, here comes that frog. Alright. Maybe he’ll set near me. And I can pet him.”

· I wrote a script and gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he read it, and he said he really likes it, but thinks I need to rewrite it. I said “Fuck that, I’ll just make a copy.”

· You know when it comes to racism, people say: ” I don’t care if they’re black, white, purple or green”… Ooh hold on now: Purple or Green? You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! - Unless they’re suffocating - then help’em.

· I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,”Forget everything you know about slipcovers.” So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn’t know what the hell they were.

· I was walking by a dry cleaner at three a.m., and it said “Sorry, we’re closed.” You don’t have to be sorry. It’s three a.m., and you’re a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I’m not gonna walk by at ten and say, “Hey, I walked by at three, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!”

· I order the club sandwich all the time, but I’m not even a member, man. I don’t know how I get away with it.

· I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that’s funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen’s too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain’t funny.

· You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ‘em later.

· I ordered a chicken sandwich but I don’t think the waitress understood me because she said, “How would you like your eggs?” So I tried to answer her anyhow. I said “Incubated, and then raised, and then beheaded, and then plucked and then cut up then put onto a grill then put onto a bun, shit it’s gonna take awhile. I don’t have time, scrambled!”

· My roommate said to me, ‘I’m gonna go shave and use the shower, does anyone need to use the bathroom?’ It’s like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.

· I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that’s real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two two. I would say “Sweet.” And then people would say, “Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?” I’d say, “Just press two for a while. And when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough.”

· I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, “I hear music”, as if there is any other way you can take it in. You’re not special, that’s how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work.

· My lucky number is four billion. That doesn’t come in real handy when you’re gambling. “Come on four billion! Fuck! Seven. Not even close. I need some more dice. Four billion divided by six, at least.”

· One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,”Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture is of you when you were younger. “Here’s a picture of me when I’m older.” “You son of a bitch! How’d you pull that off? Lemme see that camera!”

· I play sports… no I don’t, what the fuck?

· I like the way this is situated here. It seems like you guys were chasing me, closing in, and then said “fuck It, lets sit down”.

· Philadelphia. That’s the only city that comes to mind right now. Philadelphia, ’cause you can say “Philly” and the people from Philadelphia will not get mad. Like if you say “Frisco,” San Francisco people say, “Fuck off!” But if you say “Philly” they say, “Alright!” Because I don’t always have time to say “Philadelphia.” Sometimes I just need that word to be two syllables. Phil-a-del-phi-a. Fuck, five! Your town would be called Philly too if it had five syllables!

Comedy Central Gold II

Jeremy Hotz

· Don’t stare at my nose. It’s not even a nose – it’s an elbow, stuck to my face. Christ, I’m an ugly man… I’ve noticed it, in the morning I wake up, look and the mirror, and think “Fuck…” What a miserable life this turned out to be… I’m getting old, I’m losing the hair on my head, and I’m getting hair right above my ass. What kind of trade is that? When am I gonna use that hair? I should become an TV repairman. You’ve seen those guys – what the hell is their problem?

· Before I came here, I lived in LA. What a miserable place that was! I lived in a place, called Tarzana. Tarzana… They stick an “a” in the end and think nobody’s gonna figure it out. It’s Tarzan, I live in a treehouse! There are the biggest snails I’ve ever seen. Oh, I hate snails – I don’t trust them. Always walking around with their house on their backs, going “Nothing can harm me, I’ve got my house. Oh, where’d that foot come from? The bastard broke my house! I have no insurance…”

· I bought a car, when I moved to L.A., haven’t seen the bus. Oh, they have the stops in LA, but the bus never comes by. I thought that LA is filled with homeless people, but its just people, waiting for the bus.

· Oh, my eye hurts… I have the contact lenses. What a miserable product that is! Put a glass in your eye – it won’t hurt. My ophthalmologist said it’s good for my eyes… he wares glasses, that prick. He said I have astigmatism – that’s when your eye goes screwy. He said I got it from looking in the lights during stand-up acts. Said he can fix it with laser surgery. I asked him what that was, and he said “I’m gonna shine this light in your eye!”

· I’ve got the color lenses – I’ve got the brown ones. Not a big seller, the brown lenses. My eyes are brown, but they’re not the brown I was looking for. Have you got a more shitty brown for me? It brings out my true personality.

· What about Canada? Any Canadians here? You? You like Canada, man? No? You’re right – what a miserable country! Not a very tough country, a? Has an army, they just didn’t give them… weapons or anything. Look at their flag – that’s not a symbol of power… it’s a leaf! Oh, don’t screw with Canada, ‘cause they’ll dry up and blow away. They should just attack another country. Man, nobody’s gonna see that coming. Canada – the country that’s been laying low for… 275 years. They should attack Turkey. “Hey, guess what – we’re taking it! And we’re calling it Chicken, you assholes!”

· I hate the dentist. What a weird twisted freak he is… You have to visit him twise a year, and you know why? ‘Cause he tells you to! That’s not in the book, the bastard is making that up. At the end of your visit, he’s like “See you in six months!” and you go “… Allrigh.” He puts you into that chair and shines a light in your eye… which is bad for my astigmatism. Such a sick bastard – he takes pictures of your teeth and shows them to you. Like you’re interested at all. “Do you see this?” “Yeah, nice shot, dentist… How did you get my teeth to pose like that?” Have you ever tried to take them from him? He won’t give ‘em to you. He’s all weird about it, too. “No, they’re mine!” Ok, keep them, you freak. Keep ‘em to look at them at nights, when you touch yourself…

· How about the nurse that cleans your teeth? What the hell is her problem? She jumps on your ass and says “Your teeth are filty!” Sorry, I didn’t mean to ruin your whole day like that. You can clean them and floss like ten times a day – its never good enough for her! Then she’s all “You see how your gums are bleeding?” Oh, yeah, I can see it. Maybe if you stop sticking those sharp metal things in them… At home, I don’t pick my teeth with stake knives!

· I hate the doctor. In Canada, the doctor is free. Here, you have to pay him. Just comes out with his white dress and his penciles of knowledge in the pocket. Gives me useless advises every time. “Hey doc, my leg hurts.” “Really? Keep off it.” Thanks for the hot tip, Quinci. If you wouldn’t have told me, I would’ve jumped on it for and hour. How much do I owe you, found-in-a-bowl knowledge?

· What a stupid thing the mail is. One day, I got promotional tampons. Yeah, imagine my surprise. I also got some women’s pads, called “Always”. Like they were gonna call ‘em “Some-of-the-times”. I tried them on – they’re not that comfortable! Now I’m using them as coffee filters. Yeah, you’re laughing, but the garbage man must be thinking I got a terrible disease…

Comedy Central Gold Megapost I

Иде време за малко свежест в блога. Този път ще бъдат откъси (писмени, разбира се - търсете си визуализацията в You Tube) от различни комици на Comedy Central. Ще бъде по един (или двама, ако единият има твърде малко за казване… както често се оказва…) и ще бъде показано най-доброто от него. Дано ви разпаля интереса към интересен вид комедия. Наистина ми писна от Комиците и Краси Радков…

В дебютното издание, ще ви запозная с Jeff Dunham! Ще бъде на английски, просто защото комиците са около хиляда пъти по-забавни на родния си език. Ако има желания, мога и да преведа всичко.

Jeff Dunham w/ Walter –

·        Jeff: So how long have you and your wife been together?
Walter: 46 years.
Jeff: And what was the happiest time in your life?
Walter: Forty-seven years ago!

·        Walter: I don’t wanna go home.
Jeff: Why not?
Walter: I think my house is haunted.
Jeff: Why?
Walter: My wife is there. I just open the front door and all I hear is “Get oouut!” There’s a guy that always tells me to ask myself “What would Jesus do?” So I tried to turn her into a fish. Begone, Satan! Hello, Shamoo! Well, at least Shamoo has only one blowhole.
Crowd: Aaahhhhhhh!
Walter: Aw, screw you – that was funny!

·        Walter: Welcome to Wal-Mart. Get your shit and get the hell out! Have a nice day!”

·        Walter:My wife and I couldn’t find anywhere to park in this stinking joint and some jerk pulled up in a brand new Mercedes right in the handicapped spot, gets out of the car and there’s nothing wrong with him! Don’t you hate that?
Crowd: Yeah!
Walter: So I ran his ass over! I made an honest man out of him. Then, his mother came out swinging’ her crutches at me – took her out with the door…

·        Walter: I hung the phone up on her.
Jeff: Not good.
Walter: Yeah. She called back and she’s like “Did you hang up on me?” I said “I don’t know, did it sound something like this - CLICK!”
Jeff: Did that make her angry?
Walter: Oh, I felt a disturbance in the Force!

·        [оператор доближава камерата до лицето на Уолтър]
Walter: Holy crap! Wait, wait, come back! This is Comedy Central! I can see Cartman. I can see Kenny. Oh, he just got killed…

·        Walter: My wife and I heard that coffee’s good for your sex life.
Jeff: Coffee?
Walter: Yeah.
Jeff: Is it?
Walter: No. It kept me awake through the whole damn thing! I actually had to participate. Doctor said it’s bad for my heart, too.
Jeff: All the caffeine?
Walter: No, seeing my wife naked.
Jeff: That’s awful.
Walter: Oh, you’ve seen her, too?

·        Jeff: Dear Walter, time and time again, I have filled out this sheet six times. You never answer my question. What gives?
Walter: Let’s skip that one.

·        Jeff: Walter, what exactly is marriage to you?
Walter: It’s like drinking a slurpy.
Jeff: A slurpy?
Walter: First couple of sips, it’s like “Boy this is really good! I’m glad I did this!” Then you keep drinking, it goes right to your head, and you go “Ow, Ow, Ooooow! What the hell was I thinking? Someone kill me please!”
Jeff: It eventually stops hurting.
Walter: Yeah, and then you’re stupid enough to take another freakin’ sip!

·        Walter: Have you ever heard a Prius go by? It sounds like this: “Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii’m gay!” And when it bounces it goes “Homohomohomohomohomo…”

·        Jeff: Do you like being in D.C.?
Walter: Oh, yeah. There’s nothing like being mugged in our nation’s capital.
Jeff: Come on, there’s a lot of excitement going on in D.C.
Walter: Oh, yeah. What happens in D.C., stays on YouTube.
Jeff: So you say you don’t like being in D.C.?
Walter: Oh, no. It’s nice being here. I get screwed on my taxes every year, it’s fun to come and visit the Source.

·        Jeff: Hey, you know, here is the White House. That’s where the most powerful man in the free world lives.
Walter: Oprah?

·        Walter: There are some people I just can’t understand. The damn suicidal bombers. What the hell is this – “Lululuayeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee… PHHHH!!!” Hey, way to go, Habib! Bet ya can’t frickin’ do it again! Dumbasses…
Jeff: You know, they think that if they do it, there will be 72 virgins waiting for them in the other side.
Walter: Well, April’s fool, dumbass! There will be only 72 guys – just like you!

·        Walter: I wonder if they pull that joke on each other once in a while.
Jeff: What joke?
Walter: “Lululuayeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee… click.” … “What the…”  “PHHHHH!!!” “Oh, did you see Jannil’s face? It’s gone now, but did you see his face?”

·        Jeff: So how long have you been married?
Walter: 47 years.
Jeff: That’s amazing!
Walter: Yeah, I know – that old bitch will never die!
Jeff: Have you ever cheated on your wife?
Walter: No… damn it…
Jeff: Well, they say that marriage is supposed to be forever.
Walter: And this one is taking too damn long!
Jeff: Marriage is an institution.
Walter: So is Alcatraz.

·        Jeff: If were reincarnated, what would you do?
Walter: I would come back as my wife, and leave me the hell alone!

Jeff Dunham w/ Sweet Daddy Dee –