As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there”s a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"
"It’s not just one car," said Herman, "It’s hundreds of them!"
* * *
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He’s got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What”s in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We’ll just see about that get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man”s shoulders, and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens.
The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about….. I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
* * *
Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, "We don’t want to be nuns anymore, how do we quit?"
The mother told them, "Do something unholy and come back here in 24 hours."
So the nuns left thinking, "What can I do that’s unholy?"
The next day they went to the mother one at a time.
The mother said tot he first nun, "What unholy thing did you do?" and the nun said "I stole a kid’s bike." The mother said, "I guess that will do, go drink some holy water. When the nun did she wasn’t a nun anymore and she left the convent.
The second nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The nun replied, "I slept with a married man!" The mother said, "Well, that’s sinning. Go drink holy water."
The third nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The third nun said proudly, "I pissed in the holy water!"
* * *
A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates.
The first beau came to the door and said, “I’m Eddie, I’m here to pick up Betty. We’re going for spaghetti, is she ready?”
“No,” the farmer said.
The second beau came to the door and said, “I’m Joe, I’m here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?”
"No."
The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. “Hello, my name is Chuck.”
The farmer shot Chuck.
* * *
A scientist gets on a train to go to New York. His cabin also has a poor farmer in it. To pass the time the scientist decides to play a game with the guy.
"I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me one dollar. Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get ten dollars. You ask me a question first." The farmer thinks for a while.
"I know. What has three legs, takes ten hours to climb up a palm tree, and ten seconds to get back down?" The scientist is confused and thinks long and hard about the question. Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, the scientist takes out ten dollars and gives it to the farmer.
"I don”t know. What has three legs, takes ten hours to get up a palm tree and ten seconds to get back down?"
The farmer takes the ten dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out one dollar and hands it to the scientist.
"I don”t know."
* * *
What’s the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One’s a slimy scum-sucking bottom-dwelling scavenger, the other is just a fish.
* * *
Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine."
His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine."
Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse."
Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
"No, I’m serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
* * *
A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it and, you guessed it, a genie appears.
The genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much."
The woman says, "Okay. Give me a nice house."
The genie replies, "You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two."
The the lady says, "Give me a gorgeous man."
The genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two."
The lady says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."
* * *
There once was a scientist who studied frogs. One day, the scientist put the frog on the ground and told it to jump. The frog jumped four feet.
So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with four feet, jumps four feet."
So the scientist cut off one of one of the frogs legs. The scientist told the frog to jump. Frog jumped three feet. So the scientist wrote in his note book, "Frog with three feet, jumps three feet."
So the scientist cut of another leg. He told the frog to jump. The frog jumped two feet. So the scientist wrote in his notebook "Frog with two feet, jumps two feet."
The scientist cut off one more leg. He told the frog to jump. Frog jumped one foot. So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with one foot, jumps one foot."
So the scientist cut off his last leg.
"He said, "Frog jump. Frog jump. FROG JUMP!"
So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with no feet, goes deaf."
* * *
After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, "You wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The person replies, "I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?"
The man thinks for a while and replies, "Not if I have to explain it three times."
* * *
The Christmas Elf Massacre
Buy me a beer if you want the story told
Of why I moved down South from the frost and cold.
Why I’m knee deep in therapy, liquor, and pills.
Why I’ve given up charity in lieu of cheap thrills.
Why I loathe mistletoe, fruitcake and bells —
And why I’ll celebrate Xmas when it freezes in hell.
You’ll never see this elf make angels in snow.
Hey thanks for the booze – so I guess here it goes:
"Twas the night after Christmas in the North Pole
No creatures were stirring, not one lousy soul.
Santa’s house appeared eerily silent
But inside the fat man was hungry, was violent
This workshop of toys for kids of all ages
Was filled with elves quaking in cages.
Who woke up from their long winter’s naps
To find themselves snared in a devious trap.
Hours before I had been bingeing on nog
Passed out under the bed, I spied the whole saga.
I saw all my brothers rounded up in cages.
Sleepy victims of wicked midnight rampages.
Then what to my horrified eyes should appear
But a wild-eyed Santa pinching an elf by the ear.
Each little sprite shook in their tights and boots.
That this monster was Santa, no one could refute.
His size and his beard gave him away as St. Nick
His fangs and his scales made me quite sick
Blood seemed to stain his white fluffy trim
He was hunched, drooling, and disgustingly slim.
"Come little helper! Climb into my maw!"
He laughed, then casually ate the elf raw.
He greedily sucked the imp’s hide off the bone
I was awed! I was scared! I was truly alone!
Dainty elf paws clutched bars and cried
Drunk on deinal; confounded by why.
(He lost his count during his murderous spree
Thought he’d rounded up most, but forgot about me!)
His hunger was wracking his hunched-over frame
With a crippling appetite that didn’t know shame.
"Don’t eat us! We love you! Look at our faces!"
The doomed little elves made their sad cases
But Santa ignored them with a swipe of his fist
Pulled out some parchment and started a list:
"Silence, you nuggets – I’m trying to think
Who to char-broil, who to blend into drink.
Who to dice, fillet, bake or panfry
Who to boil in soup, who to stuff in a pie"
These taunts seemed so strange to come from a man
Who held the dreams of children in his hands
Teeth full of gristle, he then sadly revealed
To his captive chorus of angel-faced veal,
That humans are greedy, petty, drunk on their vices.
And each Yuletide revel exacts gruesome prices
These prices are paid by the magical gnomes
Who hammer the toys that clutter up homes.
The payment’s a life – one for each holiday sin.
Delivered by Santa, after his joyful break-ins.
Perhaps he was cursed by the Easter Bunny
Or an April Fool’s jester who thought it’d be funny.
The Great Pumpkin, Jack Frost or just maybe –
That jealous and bratty New Years Eve baby.
Maybe it was a clue, how well we were fed
On cookies, cakes, lard balls and bread.
But our nature’s to love, not to distrust.
So we hugged the fat Claus’s and finished each crust.
Ignorant to what would soon transpire
We’d collapse in heaps by the crackling fire.
Expecting the old man to come flying back
And start making next years toys for his sack.
But how does he have enough sprites for his belly?
The final act of sorrow starts as fetal elf jelly.
That ferments inside his wife until it’s a broth
Filled with thimble-sized elves that surge forth like froth.
And these newborn elves, spawned pure from her womb.
Don’t understand: their workshop is really a tomb
Their dimples are gumdrops, they sneeze pixie dust.
Santa doesn’t hate them – he’s cursed with a lust.
Elves are packed with vitamins A, C, and E
We’re awfully juicy, tart yet also fruity,
We go well with gravy and mayonnaise and toast
But casserole is how Santa likes us the most.
Barbequed, fricasseed, or flambéed
Sunny-side up, shish-ka-bobbed or flayed.
Prepared anyway, our flesh is quite delicious
And it’s not like toy-happy children will miss us.
Goodbye Carl, Zud, Sprinkles and Jan!
Blossom, Hortense, Cobweb, and Stan!
Julie, Miss Knickers, Fidget, and Ralph.
I’m sorry you’re dead, you wonderful elf.
A mouthed greased with fat, Santa then hibernated.
As Mrs. Claus squatted and grossly gestated
And all that is left of my cherubic siblings.
Was a pile of bells, curly-toed boots – mostly elf things
So much for good cheer! But don’t shed a tear:
This gruesome cycle has happened for hundreds of years.
And as the fist to survive Father’s murderous rout
In a month I stopped hiding and got the hell out."
Now I spend my days soaking under a sun like a yolk
(Yeah, I wish I’d have saved all or some of my folk)
I now have a tan where the rum’s in supply.
Sewing up flags for Captain Fourth of July.
* * *
Wrestling Jokes
(Insider Jokes – Credit: BWC’s Wrestling jokes)
Triple H and Stephanie are walking their kid through a park in its buggy, Stephanie says to Hunter "Hunter will you push the baby?"
Hunter replies "No fucking way, he’s too small, can’t talk and can’t work!"
* * *
Did you hear about the time Sabu painted a fence?
It turns out he missed a spot…
* * *
Hulk Hogan was sacked after only one day working in his local B&Q after the manager found out the only thing he could sell was a steel chair.
* * *
You Watch WAY TOO MUCH Wrestling When:
* On a job application, you state your residence as "parts unknown"
* You do heel turns on your best friends for no reason
* You get fired from work then show up the next day wearing a mask
* You Stun your boss after you’re fired.
* You won’t walk down the halls of school unless your entrance music is playing
* * *
Why does Vince McMahon want to go to Heaven?
‘Cause he’s got no chance in Hell…
* * *
Why did Kevin Nash cross the road?
He didn’t, he tore his quad stepping off the curb.
* * *
If Scott Steiner became a religous leader, what would his name be?
Big Poppa Pope
* * *
Why couldn’t Randy Orton go to Art School?
Because he can’t draw!
* * *
Knock, Knock
Who’s There?
It’s Braden Walker and I’m gonna knock your brains out!
* * *
Why is unemployment so high in the US?
Because Nunzio and Funaki do all the jobs.
* * *
What did CM Punk tell Adam Copeland when he tried to feel him up?
I’m straight, Edge.
* * *
What do you call any HHH match?
A buried alive match!
* * *
The new Chris Benoit tribute action figure is out in stores now. Sadly, it’s not for young kids though. Choking hazard…
* * *
Q. Why can’t Finlay go to the gas station?
A. Because he always carries matches.
* * *
Q. How many Vince McMahons does it take to screw a lightbulb?
A. None. The lightbulb screwed the lightbulb!
* * *
God is a huge wrestling fan and decides to invite 3 TNA wrestlers to heaven for a meal. So Samoa Joe, Christian Cage and AJ Styles arrive and God is sitting at a small table in a huge golden chair. God addresses them first.
"My children, there are 3 seats at this table beside me, one on my right, one on my left and one facing me. Where do you think you should be seated?"
AJ speaks first: "I’m AJ Styles, I am PHENOMENAL so I should be at your right-hand!"
God nods his head and says: "Be seated."
Christian follows the idea: "I’m Chrisitan Cage, I’m the Instant Classic! I should be at your left-hand!"
God nods and says: "Be seated."
Joe now steps forward, looks at AJ, then Chrisitan before staring at God and says: "You’re in my seat!"
